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No Babies! No Puppies! No No No! [Guest Post by Prince Gomolvilas]
posted by Prince Gomolvilas on Thu, Jan 24, 2008
in Jukebox Stories
It's common knowledge in the theater that you should never put children or animals on the stage. They’re just too damn distracting. The audience suddenly stops paying attention to the play and starts doting on the cuteness: “Oh, that kid is SO adorable!” “Oh, look at that PRETTY puppy!” Thirty seconds later, the audience forgets where they are even, they’re transported away from the play in front of them, and they imagine themselves being in some kind of strange indoor zoo where gawking and pointing and delighting in cuteness is a mandatory exercise.
Yesterday, I got interviewed by a magazine about Impact’s next production, Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, which as you know stars me and Brandon Patton. The magazine, like the publications and websites that have interviewed me previously, of course wanted to know what kind of stuff was going to be in the new show, and I of course gave all the expected answers. But let me tell you what’s not going to be in the show. There will be no goddamn children and no goddamn puppies! Never in the future history of Jukebox Stories will kids or pets ever be allowed on stage.
The distraction factor is a major drawback, sure, but the main reason I’m sticking to this theater rule of thumb is that I am so deeply self-obsessed that I simply would not be able to handle people not paying attention to me all the time when I’m on stage. Man, I mean, it’s hard enough allowing Brandon to take the spotlight during his moments of song. Can you imagine if there were kids or creatures on stage that could potentially be more adorable than I am? I would have to kick them. Hard.
I’m sure you have your own nightmare stories about children and animals, so you all can support my stance.... And adore me while doing so.
[More bloggings at Bamboo Nation.]
Comments
Noel Coward once said, of a production involving an untalented child and a horse that did a bundle on the stage, "If they'd have stuffed the kid's head up the horse's arse, they'd have solved two problems at once."
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